In memory of my buddy Fred.

Let’s blame Chuck.  It’s all Chuck’s fault you broke your back.  It’s Chuck’s fault my hair fell out.  It’s Chuck’s fault my brother died.  Chuck fed Bindi to the coyote.  Chuck threw my other brother, sister and my mom in front of cars.  I don’t care if the human says Chuck is only 2 years old, and most of my family died 5 years ago.  He still did it.  

Now look – Chuck threw you out of the tree and you broke your back, went to the vet and died.  (long pause)  And it’s Chuck’s fault that it’s the one place we never tried to hunch each other!  I hate CHUCK!

I promise you Fred, I shall avenge you!  FEEL THE FEAR OF MY MOUSE BREATH, CHUCK!!!!  YOU’RE GOING DOWN!!!  I, JEFF THE CAT, HAVE SPOKEN!

Technorati Tags: cat humor,cats behaving badly

Dougie jailed for molesting kittens

This is ridiculous!  I protest!  STUPID HUMAN! Every time the kittens want to come out and play, I get jailed.  If I want to hunch the kittens I should get to hunch them.  It’s what I do.  I’m calling obama and telling him my human is a racist.  He’ll make her let me out of Club Kitmo.  FEEL THE FEAR HUMAN!!!!

Technorati Tags: cat humor,cats behaving badly

My stupid brother

Well, now he's gone and done it.  The little idiot has disappeared.  My human thinks he's died.  If he has, I'm going to kill him.  How did he pull that one off???  I've been trying for the past 4 years to pick him off and now he's gone and done it to himself.  Cheater.

Me holding Bindi down till he begged for mercy.  He fell asleep.

 

I did this, but I blamed Bindi.

 We used to go hiking with our human.  I'd talk Bindi into climbing really tall trees to scare the human.  I was really hoping he'd fall out, then I'd have the human all to myself.  But he refused.

We also went camping for 5 days below the dam.  At nite I'd take Bindi to the pond and kick him in.  I forgot he was a good swimmer, so much for that idea.  Once I tried to get him to cross the road, but he remember that's how our mommie and siblings died.  Stevie and Mommie died by accident.  Pee Wee threw himself under a truck when he found out the human was turning him into a eunich. 



Welp, despite the fact that I used to beat you up all time, steal your food and tell you how stupid you look without a tail,  I'm going to miss you...maybe...still thinking about that one...ok, I will.

I Live With Morons by Jeffie the Cat

*WARNING: This post is totally offensive. If you are politically correct or a kind person, do not read. If you do read, don't complain. I, JEFF THE CAT, HAVE SPOKEN. (can I have a treat now?) Let the fun begin!*

This morning, the human had to get George's dad off his back. Blackie, George's dad, was trying to breed him. Stupid gay freak.

Ok! I know what you're thinking. "Hey Jeff! We saw you trying to breed Fred, George and a stump."

Well, I have an excuse. The human turned me into a eunuch and it's totally affected my brain! Blackie doesn't have an excuse. He's just plain weird or desperate. (Shut up human! I didn't either try to breed a stick!)

Anyway, I'm off to see what else the gay blade is up to. I'm drawing pictures later for my zine, "The Litterbox Chronicles."

Bye for now!

Another amputation thwarted

I sat on my favourite perch (the bookcase) and watched as one of the kittens from hell struggled to free it’s little leg from the hole it’s brother had ripped in the wall of their playhouse. I wanted to ask my human for popcorn while I enjoyed the show, but I was afraid she’d notice and rescue the little brat who keeps eating my food.

Sadly, the little kittens screamed loud enough that the human found him. He fought her off when she tried to free his leg. I cheered, “Rip your leg off, sissy! Come on! Rip it off!” He got mad, called me a few names I didn’t know kittens his age knew, and continued flopping about like a fish out of water.

The human gave up and ran for the kids scissors. We did have adult scissors in the house, you know the ones that are sharp and pointy on the end, but she caught me chasing Bindi through the house trying to kill him for puking in our food bowl and that was that.

Anyway, she managed to cut his leg free and he was off to the litterbox. I think it scared the crap out of him. So, now there’s this even bigger hole in the side of the playhouse than there was before. The human was determined it wouldn’t happen again. And the stupid little kitten still has his leg. I can't believe all the money I lost. I bet I could have made a fortune selling it on eBay.


(This has been another exciting story by Jeff the Cat. See my sexy photo in the right hand corner.)