I Live With Morons by Jeffie the Cat

*WARNING: This post is totally offensive. If you are politically correct or a kind person, do not read. If you do read, don't complain. I, JEFF THE CAT, HAVE SPOKEN. (can I have a treat now?) Let the fun begin!*

This morning, the human had to get George's dad off his back. Blackie, George's dad, was trying to breed him. Stupid gay freak.

Ok! I know what you're thinking. "Hey Jeff! We saw you trying to breed Fred, George and a stump."

Well, I have an excuse. The human turned me into a eunuch and it's totally affected my brain! Blackie doesn't have an excuse. He's just plain weird or desperate. (Shut up human! I didn't either try to breed a stick!)

Anyway, I'm off to see what else the gay blade is up to. I'm drawing pictures later for my zine, "The Litterbox Chronicles."

Bye for now!

Another amputation thwarted

I sat on my favourite perch (the bookcase) and watched as one of the kittens from hell struggled to free it’s little leg from the hole it’s brother had ripped in the wall of their playhouse. I wanted to ask my human for popcorn while I enjoyed the show, but I was afraid she’d notice and rescue the little brat who keeps eating my food.

Sadly, the little kittens screamed loud enough that the human found him. He fought her off when she tried to free his leg. I cheered, “Rip your leg off, sissy! Come on! Rip it off!” He got mad, called me a few names I didn’t know kittens his age knew, and continued flopping about like a fish out of water.

The human gave up and ran for the kids scissors. We did have adult scissors in the house, you know the ones that are sharp and pointy on the end, but she caught me chasing Bindi through the house trying to kill him for puking in our food bowl and that was that.

Anyway, she managed to cut his leg free and he was off to the litterbox. I think it scared the crap out of him. So, now there’s this even bigger hole in the side of the playhouse than there was before. The human was determined it wouldn’t happen again. And the stupid little kitten still has his leg. I can't believe all the money I lost. I bet I could have made a fortune selling it on eBay.


(This has been another exciting story by Jeff the Cat. See my sexy photo in the right hand corner.)

She tried to poke my eye out!!!

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful sexy eye that lived in my left socket. Then along came an evil cat, named Kitty, who tried to remove it with her claw. I hate Kitty. I still have my eye, but I’m blind. Did I mention that I hate Kitty?

Anyway, my pet human is really mad at her. She makes sure the two of us are never outside at the same time and if we are, evil Kitty has to be in the big dog cage. If I'm inside, she has to be out. I like it this way. muuhahahahaaa....

Blogger Labels: blind,cats,cat,pets,cat fights

Technorati Tags: blind,cats,cat,pets,cat fights,blind cats

I'm not arrogant!

Geesh! Just because I keep a mirror in the litterbox, my sleeping hideout, and various places in the barnyard, everyone things I'm arrogant. Geesh!

Now they're on me because I opened my own store and put only my face on everything. I can't help it if I'm better looking and everyone adores me. So, take a look and tell me I was wrong.

Jeff gets framed!

A twist on the mean little kitty song!

This kid is good! I love how he tweaked the music!

cats and humans of all ages!!!!

I, Jeff the Cat, have my Beijing Olympics ebay page ready to go!

Jeff's Official Beijing Olympic's eBay page!

Pop in and start bidding on an oversized B.O. t-shirt (that's beijing olympics, not body odour) for your cat!

Get him tickets to the games! And one for me! Not my human, just me. WAIT!!! WHAT??? THEY EAT CATS???? AND DOGS???? NO NO NO!!! DO NOT BUY A TICKET FOR YOUR CAT!!!! or ME!

Wait!!! Late breaking news from China!!! The Chinese will not permit cats to come to the games, but all dogs are welcome! Especially big thick ones. So, there you have it! Buy a ticket and send your dog!

grrrr...growl growl by Squeeky or how the Squeek saved the human!

The sneeky beast came through the woods staring at my human. Being human, the idiot never heard a thing. The beastie glared at me. I growled. He glared some more. I growled some more.

The human turned to see what was wrong with me. The two cowards, Jeff and Bindi, hid behind the human and peeked around her. HA!!!! I'VE EXPOSED YOU LITTLE SISSIES!!! NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS YOU'RE WHIMPS!!! CHICKENS!!! BABIES!!!! MUUUHAHAHAAAAAAAAA.....

As I was saying, the babies hid behind the human and I continued to growl. Then from somewhere on the hill there was a snort so loud that it sent the hair on my sexy body straight back. It's breath nearly knocked me out, but I stood my ground and growled even louder!!!

The human was excited! She kept patting me and saying, "Good Squeeky!!! You found a deer!!! Good girl!!!"

DEER? DEER? IS SHE BLIND???? IT WAS SASQUATCH!!!!! IT WAS A BIG SMELLY SASQUATCH!!!!

Obviously I have to go with her every time she's on the hill now. She's so deaf, blind and human that she'll probably get herself killed if I don't.

So despite the sneers and geers from the whimps behind me - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

How dare you human!!!!

The human took us on a long adventure today. We hiked 27 miles, 3 feet, 2 inches. The sun made me sleepy. I passed out twice and was dragged away once by a bug-eyed squirrel named Sam. I hate Sam. He used my head for a nutcracker. CURSE YOU SAM!!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

Anyway, the human rescued me and took me home. I was exhausted from my head cracking nuts and fell asleep. Naturally, the human couldn't let me lie in peace. NOOOOOO she had to sneak up and take my handsome pic!

Have you ever noticed how ugly humans are when they sleep? I'm glad I'm not a human, because we cats are just dang sexy no matter what! Come on! Look at my pics! Am I the sexiest cat you've ever seen or what???

The human is mocking me. CURSE YOU HUMAN!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!

(The human is wearing shorts and running for her hairless life. Please place your bets online. First place, wins Jeff! Second place wins Jeff! And third place wins Jeff! Yes, here at Bindi's Bets everyone's a winner!

Squeeky: Bindi, how can everyone win Jeff?

Bindi: I'm chopping him into pieces! I never said they were getting everything! They couldn't handle everything! How many times has our human had herself committed?)

And off in the distance is the sound of a screaming human having it's legs ripped to shreds by a crazed cat.

Beware Spring Migrators!!! Jeff is on the prowl!

"FEAR ME BIRDIES!!!!"

I'm so cute! by Bindi

I know I could write something about myself. In fact, if I were Jeff - I would. But let's face it, with a face like this - there's just no words to do me justice.

(and somewhere in the background Jeff pukes)

Jeff - Rated D for death

Cat Fighting: Why does it happen? by Jeff the Slugger Cat

Cat fighting...a cat that doesn't fight is like Tiger the Sissy.  They sleep all day, run when you attack and spend their time begging for canned food and whine when you slap them on the back of the head sending their furry face smack into the lumpy goo.

Real cats fight!  Why?  Because we have claws!  Because humans don't and can't defend themselves!  Because dogs flee at the sound of our war cries and howl at the feel of our dagger-like claws ripping through their flesh - blood spurting in all directions....

STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!!! STUPID HUMAN!!! I'M WRITING THE INTRO TO MY NOVEL FOR NANOWRIMO!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO STEVEN KING!!!

Blogged with Flock

You can't live without it...Jeff insists.

Jeff's Press (he insisted on having one) presents:

Don't let the title fool ya! This is really one terrific book of cat stories! You'll fall in love with Pretty Lady! You'll fall for every kitten! Best of all, the book is housebroken! So, pop over and check out the intro page that has a couple excerpts from the book and then pay the whopping $4.95 for it!

Jeff said to mention that it comes with 10 free recipes to make exciting goodies for your cat. I think Jeff is hinting at me. He keeps smacking me with the skillet.

Welp, I'm outa here! Go buy the book or Jeff will come after you. :]

Jeff and the victim.

Welp!  My first attempt to post the video failed, so here's the link instead. :]  The first movie is the one of Jeff and the victim.

There's also an assorted, including the two does and two fawns who cruised across the front yard yesterday.  :]  Click me to enjoy the show!

 

Technorati tags: cats, cat videos, cat behavior, national geographic store, deer, does, fawns

Sad moment in the week.

Tough day. The tabby whose the kittens/cats father showed up lame. He had been missing for a little over a week.

The vet said his jaw was broken, most of the roof of his mouth was gone and deeply infected, half his tongue was missing and he had a wound on his right hip. His mouth is most likely the result of getting hold of an electric fence, and somewhere during his fight to get home he was attacked.

The thing that crushes me little heart is knowing from the moment it happened he had me in mind. He knew if he could just get home I'd do everything possible to help him. How he survived as long as he did without water or food is amazing. And to have fought his way home when he was in such incredible pain is even more so.

The vet said he might be able to repair him, but the most humane thing we could do was put him to sleep. I agreed. In fact, when I took him in I was pretty certain he wouldn't be coming out again.

As demented as it sounds, I'd rather see a human suffer any day than an animal. A human can at least express how he's feeling. He can also help himself in some way. An animal can't.

On the bright side, the ornery cat is no longer in pain, and for that I'm thankful.

Night of the Sneaky Attack

See spot sleep? Sleep Spot, sleep. Spot looks sweet, but Spot is a sneak. Spot sneaks his scent all through the house. Spot thinks it's neat. His human thinks it stinks.

See stinky sheet? Stink sheet, stink! Spotty sprayed it stinky as his human watched in fright. His human yelled, "Die!" And Spot thought, "I might!"

See Spot run? Run Spot, run!!!

THE END

Tortuga Kitties!!!

Turn up the speakers and enjoy!

Brrr....

Brrr...is a good way to start the first entry to my new blog! The temps are cold enough to make a cat's pee freeze it to the ground. In fact, out of sheer fear of it happening, all eleven cats are hiding here in the cottage.

One of their fathers has made his home in the dogloo, now known as the kittyloo. Since little Stevie peed on my foam mattress cover, I put it over the loo to give the big yellow cat more protection. This morning I covered the exposed rear with a thick layer of hay and added more in the box. For a stray cat, this bugger is spoiled. He was even served breakfast in bed. :] Best of all, he's warm as toast. :]